I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues