My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral