I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
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i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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