totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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