omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
