In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
