Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
