I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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