I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
