Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.