Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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