You work out of a Hotel?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
