she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we made out on top of his cat.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.