Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.