happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...