Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.