i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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