Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
