not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
