i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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