We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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