Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
