My Higher Power is John Stamos
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
