Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
