In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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