Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
