ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number