Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize