I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
