just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think i got beer on your cat.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
