I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.