It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
