so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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