I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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