one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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