I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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