God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
