He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
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Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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