he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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