my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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