hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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