i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.