"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
