I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
