i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
