Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
