Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
