she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
