Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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