Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
