Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
