I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
