Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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